Crying
by sigrun1asatru
Summary: Robin and Marian reflection preseries through postseries
1. Chapter 1

**AN: **I was reading through my poetry the other day and this popped in my head. Pre-series to post-series Robin and Marian reflections.

Here is the poem. I wrote it about 10 years ago and it's not my best:

I am alone.

I am lost.

You are gone.

You are far away.

I will not cry.

I will not be sad.

I will not think of the past.

I will look towards the future.

I will hold on.

I will be strong.

I will wait patiently for the day

The day you return to me.

I will not cry.

I will not weep.

I'll be happy I have you

No matter how far you are from me.

I will not cry.

I will not weep.

Why cry over something

That cannot be.

I am crying.

I am weeping.

I am not strong.

I am not holding on.

I am thinking of the past.

I cannot wait patiently.

I am crying.

I am weeping.

For you are far away from me.

Here's the first part of the story told from Marian's perspective:

Deep down some part of her had always known that Robin would someday leave her. He had too wild a spirit, longed too much for adventure to be content with a simple life in Locksley.

So she really wasn't surprised when he chose to go fight in the Holy Land. A week before they were to be married. Nor was she surprised at how nonchalantly he told her as if he wasn't tearing her world apart and shattering her heart. That's just the way he was then (still is at times): too consumed with thoughts of glory to see how his decisions affected those that cared about him.

She kept her back to him as he told her. It was only when she had regained control of her emotions that she turned to face him. She thought about asking him to stay but seeing the excited sparkle in his eyes she knew it would be a futile effort. So she held her tears not wanting him to see just how badly he was hurting her. She wished him the best silently praying he wouldn't get killed.

It was only after he had rode away that she allowed the tears to come a flood of them along with anger at herself for feeling so much for him. For ever believing his empty promises. He cared for her she knew but it hurt to know he hadn't loved her enough to stay.

She cried for a week then picked up the pieces of her life and tried to move on. It wasn't easy everywhere she went held memories. Robin had always been there from the time they were small children a constant companion. Her best friend and later her lover. She felt like she had lost half of herself.

The tears still came on occasion. Nights when thoughts became consumed with him. She wondered if he ever even thought of her.

Later she would divide herself into two phases: the naïve girl she was before Robin and the strong capable woman after who became so skilled at masking her emotions.

She watched the world around her turn to chaos as her father was replaced as sheriff. It became easy to blame Robin for it all. If he hadn't of left things would be right.

She found a purpose as the Nightwatchman. Something that was hers alone, independent of Robin. She would never admit it was because of him that she did it. To prove she didn't need him and it provided a nice distraction for her, kept her thoughts off the boy who still had her heart.

The ache in her heart dulled becoming barely noticeable. Until the day he returned expecting things to be the same. Nothing is the same. It will never be that way again. That day is the first time she feels in years.

He had always claimed she could see into his soul. Maybe she could. He has changed. The cheeky grin and that boyish mischievousness were still there but his eyes had lost their sparkle. She didn't even want to imagine what he had seen to make him lose that.

She often thinks he is such a fool for taking on the sheriff even though some part of her admires him for it. She isn't like him. She can't look at the world and think she alone can change it. He took that idealism from her when he walked away.

His idealism gets to her though just as he does. He makes her hope for a better tomorrow. She curses him for disrupting her routine. Hope is a dangerous thing. He taught her that too.

She still loves him despite everything and has accepted that she always will. Now that she knows he feels the same. She fights alongside him in secret. No longer fighting for the people or for England but for a future with him.

Being separated from him eats away at her makes it hard to continue at times. Then he smiles at her and it makes her believe anything is possible.

Later when their fight is won she will be grateful for the difficult years. It has made them truly appreciate each other.


	2. Chapter 2

Here's the second part told in Robin's perspective:

He never expected leaving her to hurt so badly. He certainly didn't expect such a calm reaction from her when he told her of his decision. He expects crying, pleading but as always she surprises him. She just accepts it wishing him the best. Treating him as a casual friend instead of the man she was to marry.

He wonders if she realizes all she would have to do is ask, show some sign that she wants and needs him and he would have stayed. He loved her too much even then to deny her anything. Not that they ever talked about their feelings then. It isn't until years later when both of them faced constant death that they become comfortable with how vulnerable they make each other and start being honest about their feelings.

She acts nonchalantly then as if he doesn't mean a thing to her. There are so many things he wishes he could say to her but the words lodge in his throat. He calmly rides away from her not showing how it is breaking his heart. He has a fleeting thought that he is making a mistake but dismisses it. Later he will curse her for making it so easy to leave.

He expects glory and noble deeds. The truth is so far removed from what he imagined.

The night after his first battle he breaks down looking up to the stars which are different here. He feels so isolated here and misses her intensely not feeling whole without her. He wants nothing more than to go home. He dreams of her and doesn't know if they help or make the days more difficult.

Five years he spends in that hell. He went to become man worthy of her. He has to laugh at his naivety. War doesn't make men just shells of them. He doesn't think he'll ever wash the blood off his hands or cleanse the sand from his lungs.

He is happy when he gets wounded for it means he can return home to her. Nothing is the same he finds. He laughs bitterly at the irony of it all: he is home, she is unmarried but she seems further away than ever.

There are so many words that need to be spoken between them: I love you, I need you, leaving you was the worst mistake I ever or will ever make, I'll never leave you again. Fear prevents him from speaking. He couldn't stand to know that she doesn't love him.He stays silent until it is almost too late and finds to his surprise that she forgives him and does love him.

Still it isn't easy. They have all too brief stolen moments. It shatters him every time they part. He is only put back together again when she is back in his arms. He wonders if she realizes she is the reason behind everything he does or how much he needs her.

Later when they are finally able to be together he thanks the heavens for her everyday. He knows he doesn't deserve her. Everytime he sees her smile at him or watches her with their children or holds her he realizes that hell was worth it. It took a war and believing he had lost her to make him realize just how desperately he loves her. To make him see how rare and precious what they have is and he spends everyday the rest of his life showing her just how much she means to him.


End file.
